Acceptance & Denial

During the last year or so I’ve really wavered between acceptance and denial in regards to weight loss/healthy living/body acceptance. I think both helped and hindered me majorly for the latter part of 2014 and into 2015.

Acceptance got me far. It stopped me from wearing baggy track pants and oversized tshirt all day every day (I guess so did a full time job, though). I threw self-consciousness to the wind and replaced my bootcut (apparently the best fit for my body type) jeans with skinny jeans. I wore dresses that weren’t the most flattering for said body type because I liked them. I bought nice clothes often (I fell in love with because I was so sick of not really having a personal style. I’m sure that acceptance blurred into denial which helped me gain 15 lbs in 4 months.

I made the last payment to clear up my credit card debt for good a week ago when I noticed that I was billed for Weight Watchers online. I’ve been paying for this service while I’ve been actively gaining weight. Cue Ironic by Alanis Morrisette.

At work I went through all the foods I eat all the time to find out the Point values. My problem is I’m not necessary eating junk, I’m just eating the wrong things in the wrong portions. Too many carbs, too much sugar, not enough water, not enough fruits and vegetables, not enough 0 Point snacks.

I’m hung up on time again, just like they say, history has a way of repeating itself. Instead of being content with the fact that I have the ability to change courses, start a new path, do things different, I’m caught up on the fact that the last year, 2, 3, 6 years could have been different. The logical me knows there’s no point in crying over spilt milk, but the irrational me cannot get over it! The only thing I can do is harness that frustration and use it in my favor, to change things for good, finally.

The above was written a week ago, so far:

I made a weekly weigh in plan.


I’ve also started tracking again. In a perfect world it wouldn’t be necessary to portion everything out and track every last morsel, but this is not a perfect world. I’ve successfully tracked for a week, the official weigh in date is Sundays.

And here’s a picture of my lunch on Friday, just because it looks pretty.



The Blahs

Whew, things have been kinda blah with me lately. I’ll try to make the blah part quick.

I’ve had a really tough time blogging recently. As my job search is proving to be even more difficult than I thought, I’m finding that my I’m mentally kicking my confidence in. I’ll get 500 words in a blog post and delete it because you know, it sounds stupid or people don’t want to read this crap. It’s tiring.

I’m also finding that while I used to be a really irritated, bitchy pms-er, now I’m an extremely sad pms-er. I’ve always suffered some lows and highs in my mood because of my hormones but the level of sadness that I was going through last week was almost concerning. I’m thinking of booking a physical soon and bringing it up with my doctor, just to be on the safe side.

I’ve been also going through some friend drama which isn’t too fun but I’m sure like everything else, it will pass.

On the other hand, I’ve been doing well in the eating department. I’m eating when I’m hungry and not overdoing it and trying to incorporate clean eating whenever I can. I’ve also joined the bandwagon and I’ve been making that super fat kicking metabolizing water that everyone is pinning on Pinterest. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not drinking the kool aid, I just feel better when I’m drinking more water and the lemon, cucumber and mint do a little something something. Having said that, I’m not getting strict enough with portions and snacking and tracking (story of my mutherfreakin’ life). I find myself making better choices when I track points so that’s what I’ve decided to do. The process is a pain in the butt but I make better decisions doing that than counting calories so on with the good fight.

I’m also loving walking on the treadmill while reading on my kobo because it’s easy and it’s really, really hot in Toronto and it’s a low commitment exercise routine because the treadmill is in my bedroom.

Next week I’m going to be posting what I eat everyday on this blog because I need to get serious and stay accountable so I apologize for the monotony in advance.



P.S Digging the new blog look?

“The Plan” Update

“The plan” is off to a great start. I started mid week last week as I didn’t want to wait till Sunday and I’m glad I did. I’ve been trying to drink at least 2L of water a day (I forgot just how hard that can be some days!) and I’m noticing a difference in my hunger throughout the day. I’ve definitely noticed that some of the things I would eat before without thinking twice aren’t worth the points, things like margarine, hot chocolate made with half water, half half and half, mayo etc. Yesterday for lunch I was getting ready to make myself a chicken wrap made with chicken strips, not the best option but baby steps, right? After I figured out the point value for the chicken strips and tortilla, I noticed that the points for my lunch were racking up quickly. Instead of mayo, I used mustard and lots of lettuce and it was just as yummy. Despite the chicken strips, I’m trying to eat cleaner, less processed foods and it feels good. Taking control feels good again. I’ve also been moving more. With the nicer weather finally gracing Toronto, I went on a short walk around the block yesterday evening with my sister, and then I did some impromptu hula hoop dancing in my room. Well, I wouldn’t really call it hula hoop dancing, it was more like just dancing while desperately trying to keep the hula hoop off the ground. I’ve been pretty sedentary as of late and I realize that most of my weight loss effort will come from my eating, I think incorporating exercise, even a little bit, now will just help everything along. I’ve been having really weird reoccurring nightmares of me tripping over tons of loose skin for the last two weeks. I think I’ve finally come to terms with loose skin possibly being the inevitable, so tell me friends, how can I best combat that (regardless whether it’s a useless fight or not)? Just cardio? Cardio and strength training? 

I have my before pictures, I have yet to take my measurements but I will do that soon and the main thing is that I’m excited again, and it feels great.