what to do when you’re not you?

I’ve always been an anxious girl, I constantly worry and I get killer heart palpitations. I’m also claustrophobic so I avoid busy elevators, Sephora in December and rooms without a view.

In March I realized my social anxiety has a lot to do with my weight. I reverted back into my denial bubble awhile back but that bubble burst two weeks ago when I realized just how unhappy I am.

My body is tired, NOTHING fits my anymore, I literally wear the same 3 outfits all week and feel like crap in those outfits, might I add. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, I haven’t felt cute/sexy/pretty in a long time. My mom is worried about me because I don’t seem like myself, “it’s like the light went out in you” is how she described it. If things weren’t bad enough, everything boiled over last weekend.

I bought Blue Jay tickets for me, my mom, brother and sister months ago. We like baseball and went to a bunch games last season and despite feeling uncomfortable in the tiny Rogers Centre seats, I always buy them on an aisle. On Friday a feeling of dread came over me when I would think about going to the game. Maybe it was because I’ve gained a bit of weight since last summer, and if I was uncomfortable then, what was it going to be like now? I tried to dismiss all those dark thoughts and get excited.

Sunday morning I woke up feeling miserable. I just wanted to sleep in, I didn’t have anything to wear and I didn’t want to go. I also didn’t want to be a Debbie Downer so I just stayed quite for the car ride there, and quiet isn’t one of the things I do well. We got downtown parking and after 15 minutes of walking, half of it uphill, I was cold, out of breath and feeling completely out of shape. As soon as  we got through security and I was starting to catching my breath we had to walk up three levels to our seats in the nosebleed section. Level by level I felt worse and worse. I told my family I’d meet them in the seats, ran to the bathroom and vomited. I couldn’t catch my breath, my heart was hammering in my chest and my head was spinning. I stood in the stall for 10 minutes until I felt better then ran some cold water over my hands and held them to the back of my neck until the nausea stopped.

I came out of the bathroom, found my gate and the usher told me my seat was to the right, 20 steps up. 20 steep steps up. I got to the 10th step and my thighs were burning and I couldn’t hear anything but the blood rushing in my ears. I didn’t want to get dizzy so I didn’t look up or down, I just wanted to get to my seat. Now I can only imagine what I looked like, chest heaving, tears in my eyes, struggling to get up those steps. I finally got to my seat and my heart felt like it was going to explode in my chest and I immediately started sobbing. It took 15 minutes but slowly I felt better, except for the embarrassment of having everyone look at me like I was crazy.

I’m an open book about a lot of things, but my anxiety isn’t one of them. I’m the rock of my family so I don’t open up about how I’m feeling all the time. I like to keep that vulnerability to myself, I don’t want to worry anyone. When I came apart at the game, I knew everyone was worried and surprised, so was I. It has never been that bad, so it was scary to me, too! I’m still not too sure what happened or why but it was a big wake up call.

Last week I made sure to portion out all my food and be honest with tracking. Finding out a large double double with cream and sugar is 14 points plus was like a dagger to the heart, but I can learn to love black coffee, right? Right, guys!?!?!

This week I’m focusing on upping my water and reintroducing myself to the treadmill in my bedroom.

I weighed myself today, the first time since February. I’m looking forward to getting everything back on track so I can start feeling like myself again because carrying around this rain cloud isn’t fun.