If not now, when?

20160105_221035The ads reads:

Why I joined Weight Watchers

Inside every overweight woman is the woman she knows she can be. You look in the mirror and sometimes don’t recognize yourself because you’ve gotten lost, buried in the weight.
But nothing you have been through is ever wasted. So every time I tried and failed, and every I tried again and every time I tried again has brought me to this most powerful moment to say if not now, when?
I feel that way and I know millions of you feel that way too.
Are you ready? Let’s do this together.  -Oprah




I decided to write this post after the new year didn’t feel as new anymore. I’ve been notorious for writing bittersweet posts on December 31st/ January 1st about what a failure the last year has been, but how I’m putting it behind me and starting a new year with sunny optimism. I felt the same this year, if not better,  but something about posting on January 1st seemed like a trap.

On December 29th I signed up for Weight Watchers, again. I saw the ads and felt something spark in me. As an advertising graduate, I’m definitely not immune to the effects of a good ad. Oprah pulled me right in, but I wouldn’t attribute it all to her, over the holiday break I realized just how in denial I’ve been.

I have a favourite shirt. It’s sheer, black and as flattering as it gets for something with no stretch at all. I’ve had it for years, it’s my go to, I wear it over and over with no shame at all. I put it on a month ago and it felt too snug to wear but I threw a cardigan over it and prayed it would loosen up a bit as the day went on. It really shouldn’t have come as a surprise, I hadn’t felt comfortable in my clothes in months. Mind you, I also hadn’t weighed myself in weeks. When I got home, I took off my cardigan, went to take off my shirt and noticed the arm was ripped. I inspected it and knew it would be very hard to fix, if it even could be fixed. And then came the tears.

Flash forward to right after Christmas. I needed to get rid of the hideous monstrosity of an entertainment center in my bedroom so I went to Ikea to buy a new dresser and bookcase. I got home and started trying to demolish the entertainment center, huffing and puffing the whole time. After walking up and down 13 stairs 5 or 6 times, my 53 year old dad noticed how out of breath and fluorescent pink I was and asked if I needed to take a break.

On December 28th my family went to my grandparent’s house to see them before they left for Arizona for 3 months. It’s the longest they’ve ever been away and I was feeling irrationally abandoned. Before I left, my grandmother told me she wants to be get healthy, I could tell she was genuinely scared for me. My 75 year old grandmother is scared for me.

Last week I split the zipper in my $300 knee length winter jacket and the domes bust open when I sit.

I’m forever exhausted, sore, uncomfortable and out of breath.

All of this was bubbling up to the surface and when I saw that ad, it was the beacon of hope and clarity I needed.

I’ve always been chubby/big/fat/overweight. I was chubby baby and toddler, a big kid and teenager and I’ve been overweight all of my adult life. Trying to determine a goal size is extremely difficult because the lowest weight I’ve been in the last 5 years was 260. I’ve suppressed so much of out denial and shame, I can’t remember what size I was in middle school or high school. So I took a shot in the dark and decided my goal is a size 8-10, roughly.

I’m really sick of feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable, avoiding attention as much as I can.
I’m sick of being scared of being diagnosed with something terrible because of my weight.
I’m sick of how my weight plays a lead part in my social anxiety.
I’m sick of feeling the need to apologize for how much space I take up.
I’m sick of feeling the exact opposite of beautiful and alive and healthy.

A couple days ago it dawned on me it would be a good idea to take some before pictures . While I knew it was a good idea, the thought of it filled me with dread. I decided I was going to try and take a picture that could conceal “the damage”. I thought if I wore a baggier shirt and some leggings the picture I took wouldn’t be as cringe worthy. Instead, I captured a true representation of what I look like. Minus a big cardigan to hide behind, voluminous, bouncy hair  or a support garment to smooth down the lumps and bumps. I posted the the picture in a support group on Facebook  and on my weight loss inspired Instagram account @erinsdoingit. In a way it was like a ripping off a band aid, no more denial, no more hiding.

I bought a Fitbit in an awesome boxing day sale, I got a vegetable spiralizer for Christmas and I’ve been successfully tracking since I joined. It would appear I’m doing the damn thing.

And, it’s true, if not now, when?



Longish Update

Ever since I was a kid, if it was hard, whatever it may be, I might attempt it, but I would ultimately give up. The fact that I threw in the towel might nag at me a bit, would I would (and do) quickly get over it and wouldn’t (and don’t) give much thought about it again. This doesn’t just apply to weight loss attempts, it pretty much goes for everything. I stray/ignore/procrastinate a lot.

My work is relocating in the not-so near future and while the role I’m in doesn’t suit me at all, and I swore up and down that I would not get stuck in it (despite the fact that every week when that direct deposit enters my bank account, I am grateful), the idea of updating my resume, going to interviews, competing for a position fills me with dread. Whether it be the fact that I’m super self conscious and don’t think I have a shot or whether I would just prefer doing something else, who knows. So I’m procrastinating.

I probably don’t have as much money as I should saved, I didn’t really start getting serious about saving money until a couple months ago. I put it off and put it off until I was laying in bed one day when the idea that there is a very slight possibility I could get laid off popped into my head. I then worried until the early hours of the morning that there was a very slight possibility I cold get laid off. I’m not quite at the point of stashing money, like nuts, away for the winter but I’m making sure to pay myself first now. At least I’m not ignoring this anymore.

I have three weeks of vacation and instead of going somewhere this year, I’m taking days off here and there, attaching them to civic holidays and my natural days off, and planning two vacations next year. The problem is, last year I was planning a trip for this September, I got excited about it then and when April 2015 rolled around, I just didn’t book anything. I’m putting off traveling until I can feel better about myself, fit in a place seat comfortably, wear a bathing suit without cringing. I’m always making plans for the future, and putting them off when the future arrives. I must stop doing that.

I’m going to make a solid plan to work on my resume this Sunday, as absolutely tedious as that sounds right now. I’m going to set up a direct deposit from my chequing account to my savings account, every pay day. I’m going to start working on myself so I can get excited, stay excited and actually live out my plans.

In general updates, I’m doing pretty well. I’ve been going through weeks of ‘being in a funk’, not necessarily sad, just blah. For the longest while I wasn’t reading, wasn’t really going out, just going to work, coming home, sleeping, going to work, coming home, sleeping and on and on and on. I think it’s stemming from not doing much but going to work and coming home and sleeping.

My scale is broken. I keep haphazardly trying it out and it’s still broken. Every time I try I get annoyed that it’s not working and yet I haven’t bought another one. I’m pretty sure its because I don’t want to spend upwards of $50 on something thats going to tell me what I don’t want to know. I know pants that used to be comfortable are now a little tight and I can tell that I feel heavier. I’ll probably cave in the next couple weeks and get one, I really should get back in the habit of weighing myself at least weekly. If nothing else, at this point, it’s a good reminder to either get my shit together and keep doing what I’m doing.

Tracking is still hit and miss, I’ll do it for a day and then not do it for 2 or 3 days. I don’t love the Weight Watchers online tool, I much prefer to write it all out so I’m a little torn between keeping paying for the online service, just because or cancel it and either start going to meetings again (expensive, but ultimately worth it I think, then again there’s that whole ‘no time’ thing…) or just using the online bootleg calculator and writing it out in a notebook. Decisions, decisions.

I’ve been actually enjoying buying clothes lately, even though they’re not in the size I would like. Below are some of the things I’ve purchased recently.

My discovery for Asos.com is very near and dear to my heart. Asos.com is an online fashion retailer based out of the UK. Their Curve label makes the comfiest, true to size, jeans that I can get away with wearing to work. It’s really nice when you can put on clothes and not feel that disappointment of ‘ughhhhhhh they don’t fit’. Below are the ankle grazer, ultra high rise and super soft skinny fits that I bought. The ankle grazers, in a 24, are actually a bit big for me, they’re pretty baggy in the bottom area but they look really cute with flats and Converses.


They also had a great 50% off sale and there was a shirt that everything in my soul said I needed. It’s my style to a t, somewhat structured, black and longer.


The only problem was, I waited too long and the only thing size I could get was an 18, which is currently 4 sizes too small. I know they say not to buy pieces you can’t fit into now, but I’m thinking of using it as a goal piece for the fall.

Reitmans has a very limited plus size section which I think runs small, but sometimes they have really cute, good quality pieces. I grabbed this shirt on sale. I like it because it has just enough stretch and it’s not a lightweight material (which I really hate because they always get stretched out) but you can get away with wearing it on cooler summer days.

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Now, lets talk about Addition Elle. I have a love/hate relationship with Addition Elle. There used to be located in malls but now I believe the only locations they have are at outdoor shopping centres. AE went through a brand refocusing around 2012, updating their stores to feature more glass and chandeliers, overall a sleeker, more modern look. Their clothes got an update as well, shifting from typical and frumpy to more edgy, fashion forward pieces. I like that their clothes don’t make me look like a 50 year old, but in Canada, theres not a lot of options for good quality, fashionable plus sized clothes. Therefore, AE really feel like the default place to shop. I also feel like their bottoms run a little small. When pieces from Addition Elle’s fall lookbook appeared in their new arrival sections online, I thought they were pretty lacklustre. I took a quick peek yesterday and boy was I wrong.


I NEED these pieces. The bottom lace dress would probably be worn with opaque black tights, the upper right colour blocking sweater with black jeans, the top middle shirt with a longer line black cardigan and the upper left just as shown. Give me a longer, black, chiffon, sheer tunic and I’m all over it, give me one with a edgy print and I squee inside! I’ll probably need to buy the pieces in conjunction with coupons and definitely not all at once because Addition Elle is a bit more expensive, but I need these clothes in my life. I’m thinking of buying them in at least a size smaller, call me an optimist.

This summer has made me realize, I’m not a summer girl. I dislike being hot it makes me feel uncomfortable and out of sorts. Summer attire makes me uncomfortable too, I don’t think my upper arms have seen the light of day since my cousins wedding, last August and that was because I didn’t want to be the only loser wearing a shawl. I’m waiting for cooler days, apple picking, pumpkin spice everything and for the first time ever this fall, leather boots. That’s going to be my late September mission, the perfect boots for chubby calves.

I just bought a Ninja bullet blender because I missed smoothies.


After a couple attempts at trying different kinds like the avocado, cocoa powder and honey one (which tasted exactly like dirt), I’m sticking to the usual almond milk, banana, spinach and some kind of berry.

My eats haven’t drastically changed, I’m still eating too many processed carbs and I’m still struggling to decide whens a good time to eat. I leave for work at 9:45 am, start at 12, lunch/dinner break at 3, home at 8:45 pm. I might start trying to eat oatmeal again before I leave for work, light snack when I get to work, dinner at 3, light snack or nothing at all when I get home. I really need to find my groove and get the non-existent scale moving downwards.

I’ve missed blogging, I hope these ramblings are making sense and are at least somewhat enjoyable.

I got glasses just for reading or when my eyes get sleepy in February. Here’s some shameless glasses selfie. I dig them!

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I just finished a great book, hopefully I’ll get my review up at http://www.erinreadit.wordpress.com tonight, it’s been a couple months.

Acceptance & Denial

During the last year or so I’ve really wavered between acceptance and denial in regards to weight loss/healthy living/body acceptance. I think both helped and hindered me majorly for the latter part of 2014 and into 2015.

Acceptance got me far. It stopped me from wearing baggy track pants and oversized tshirt all day every day (I guess so did a full time job, though). I threw self-consciousness to the wind and replaced my bootcut (apparently the best fit for my body type) jeans with skinny jeans. I wore dresses that weren’t the most flattering for said body type because I liked them. I bought nice clothes often (I fell in love with asos.com) because I was so sick of not really having a personal style. I’m sure that acceptance blurred into denial which helped me gain 15 lbs in 4 months.

I made the last payment to clear up my credit card debt for good a week ago when I noticed that I was billed for Weight Watchers online. I’ve been paying for this service while I’ve been actively gaining weight. Cue Ironic by Alanis Morrisette.

At work I went through all the foods I eat all the time to find out the Point values. My problem is I’m not necessary eating junk, I’m just eating the wrong things in the wrong portions. Too many carbs, too much sugar, not enough water, not enough fruits and vegetables, not enough 0 Point snacks.

I’m hung up on time again, just like they say, history has a way of repeating itself. Instead of being content with the fact that I have the ability to change courses, start a new path, do things different, I’m caught up on the fact that the last year, 2, 3, 6 years could have been different. The logical me knows there’s no point in crying over spilt milk, but the irrational me cannot get over it! The only thing I can do is harness that frustration and use it in my favor, to change things for good, finally.

The above was written a week ago, so far:

I made a weekly weigh in plan.


I’ve also started tracking again. In a perfect world it wouldn’t be necessary to portion everything out and track every last morsel, but this is not a perfect world. I’ve successfully tracked for a week, the official weigh in date is Sundays.

And here’s a picture of my lunch on Friday, just because it looks pretty.



Sunday weigh in was a success, down 2.0 lbs exactly despite a Chinese food and McDonalds slip up during the week.

Because my work hours aren’t 9-5, I’ve been experimenting with what meals I eat and when. For example, should I eat breakfast a small breakfast at 8 a.m., a small lunch at 11:30ish, an early dinner at 3:00 (my hour lunch/dinner break) and a very light snack when I get home at 8:30 p.m. No small lunch at 11:30 or no small snack at 8:30 p.m…I’m still trying to work it out.

I’ll be back to share my goal pyramid before the end of the week.

Happy New Year, Rock Bottom

I haven’t blogged and I’m going to be completely honest why: I’ve been living in denial, topped off with half-hearted “don’t give a fuck” attitude, using holiday indulgence as my crutch.

On November 16th I blogged that I hadn’t weighed myself since sometime in August and that I was going to right after I uploaded that post. That didn’t happen. It’s not that I’ve been consciously avoiding it, it’s like its a new concept to me that hasn’t quite caught on.

So I did this morning. I was looking for something in my bathroom vanity and something at the very back caught my eye. I didn’t even recognize it. I very cautiously stepped on and saw the highest number I’ve ever seen. EVER. I stepped off and back on again 4 times and the number stayed the same. I am the heaviest right now than I’ve ever been. I always felt secure in weighing in lower that my highest weight, even if it was by a couple pounds, there was always an internal sigh of whew, at least its not ###. 

I’ve been through this cycle of recognizing the problem, trying to figure out the whys and whats, getting motivated, going MIA and ignoring it.

As I’ve mention before, a while back my life completely fell apart; I was more depressed than I ever let on and I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t think I’d ever make anything of myself. But slowly, things started to get better. A couple months ago I thought the most important things are under control now, my finances, my mental health but there’s one big thing that I’ve been avoiding.

I’m severely and dangerously overweight and I believe I could feel a lot better if I weighed less.

In the past I psyched myself out because I never thought I could be successful and lose weight, part of me still doesn’t but I better do something about it now, before it’s too late (whatever that could be).

So, I’m going to do what I’ve done a million times before, hit reset and start again. Today I made a goal pyramid with long term, monthly, weekly and daily goals which I will share. Tomorrow, I’m going to track my food, drink 2L of water and think positive thoughts. I’m going to do that every day this week. I’m going to fake confidence until I start being confident (that usually comes with a couple successful weigh ins) and I’m just going to do it. One day at a time, one meal at a time.

Blogging has been a struggle for me lately all year, really. I think I’ve posted 8 times this year. I miss writing posts and I’m not too sure what happened, I don’t know if it’s because I’m missing the sense of community I had with Blogger circa 2011 or if it’s because I’m being too critical of myself. I just can’t put a finger on it.

Even though autumn isn’t over till December 21st, I think it’s unofficially over now. The weather is getting colder, the Christmas decorations in my house are out and I’m starting to get in the holiday spirit.

There have been some changes at work that will take some getting used to but everything is pretty much the same on that front. I do start a modified work schedule which means I’ll be off 3 days a week from December 1st to February 1st.

All is the same on the weight loss front. I tried to think of the last time I weighed myself and it must have been sometime pre or post vacation in August. It’s not like I’ve been avoiding it, it’s just totally slipped my mind. I’m going to do it first thing tomorrow morning now that it’s top of mind and I’m predicting, by the way my clothes fit, nothing has changed.

In certain ways I’m doing great, incorporating more veggies in my meals, making sure I’m getting at least 1L of water a day etc. and in other ways, old habits die hard.