2017

Well, it’s been 543 days since I’ve updated this space and I thought the second day of 2018 would be a great day to come back to reminisce on 2017 and share my thoughts and dreams for 2018.

I had a great year, filled with more good times than bad and lots of travel.

I spent the week before Christmas 2016 in my happy place, Disney.

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I went with my mom, brother, sister, aunt and cousin and we had the best time. Turns out Disney + Christmas = ultimate happiness. I’ve been to Disney 4 times and this time was one of the best. We were in a Christmas parade, spent lots of down time at the pool and ate tons of yummy good. Speaking of food, the block of white stuff (second row from the bottom) is the best mac and cheese I’ve ever had. The dish is called nudel gratin and it’s in the Sommerfest restaurant in the German Pavilion in Epcot’s World Showcase. When anyone asks “if you could go anywhere in world right now, where would you go?” my mind always goes to Disney. Every time.

In June I went to Paris and Rome with my two best girlfriends for 12 glorious days. For as long as I can remember I wanted to go but I never really thought I would make it there, you know? After talking about it in 2016 (but without really committing to a date), my best friend finally said “I’m booking it in February” so…we booked.

I spent the next 4 months feverishly googling, yelping, google mapping, pinning, online shopping and jotting down all the information I could. Time went by so quickly, as time always seems to do, and before I knew it I was leaving for Europe (!!!) in a couple days and I was in a major denial/anxiety driven haze. I was worrying about everything under the sun (the flight, being unaware of my surroundings), bursting into tears and wishing I hadn’t agreed to this whole thing. My flight was in the evening and I spent the day packing, weighing my bags and repacking. Initially my luggage weighed 80 lbs and two hours later I managed to cut that in half. I then said my teary goodbyes to my family and the man (you would have thought I was going on a year long trek) and we headed to the airport. I was wired on the flight and was happy with the in flight entertainment and wishing I was rich so I could fly first class. We touched down in Paris and the airport was chaotic and we couldn’t find a taxi and we were so tired but I just couldn’t believe I was there. The next couple days were a whirlwind of Versailles, the Louvre, Champs-Elysées, the Eiffle Tower, picnics with Moet champagne on the Seine river, so.many.ham.sandwiches and walking up and down the 7 flights of incredibly narrow, uneven stairs of our hotel. Paris was so romantic and chic, I tried to soak in all the ambiance so I could keep everything in my memories. By the way, McDonalds is MUCH better in Paris!

5 days later, at 6 a.m. we boarded our flight to Rome and I was so excited (also nervous, I’m a horrible flyer) and couldn’t believe our time in Paris went by so quickly (jet lag is real!). We touched down in Italy, caught a cab and we all said a little prayer our room in Rome would be ready early. When we settled into the hotel, we decided to take a 2 hour nap and we set our alarm. I woke up feeling rested and really to take on the day, everyone else was sleeping so I turned on the tv and found out we had been sleeping for 6 hours and slept through our alarm! Again, jet lag is real.

Our digs in Rome was much nicer than Paris, we were a 10 second walk away from a main street which was a 5 min walk to Piazza Navona and the setting was incredible. The hustle and bustle of all the tiny cobble stoned streets, packed with restaurants and shops and bars. We had 2 more days in Rome than Paris and our time seemed much more relaxed. On one of the days we  took a 2 hour express train ride to Venice. We didn’t have too much time to sight see but we managed to see the Basilica di San Marco. We were standing in the courtyard when a string band in tuxedos started played Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd and I burst into laughter at how perfect the moment was. Afterwards our water taxi gave us a lovely, scenic tour.  During our week there we saw the Colosseum, the Vatican, the Roman Forum, Trevi Fountain and the Spanish Steps, and of course Piazza Navona. The food was amazing, I ate so much pizza, pasta, gelato, tiramisu and prosecco.

The trip was absolutely perfect. Writing this, it seems like forever ago.

I had a great summer, I went to 4 concerts, tons of fun day trips and tried to make the most of the great weather.

I went from a blonde to a brunette, again.

In August, at a concert, my aunt and cousin mentioned they were going to Las Vegas to celebrate my cousin’s birthday in October. My aunt threw out an invitation and a couple weeks later our hotel and flights were booked for 6 days in Sin City. Now, I’m not a spontaneous person so when my aunt invited us, I dug my heels in. I told my mom 100 reasons why I shouldn’t go. After my rant, she told me sometimes you just need to throw caution to the wind, take opportunity by the horns and make a bold move.

I spent the next month googling, yelping, google mapping, pinning, online shopping and jotting down all the information I could, again. I was really hesitant about Vegas, I’m not a gambler or a big time partier, so what is there for me? Boy was I wrong. I LOVED VEGAS! I loved all the glamour of the expensive hotels, the amazing restaurants and shows, and all the booze slushies. We saw a show called Absinthe and Drag Brunch, both of which I would recommend to anyone who isn’t faint of heart. We rode the High Roller ferris wheel that was equipped with an open bar and a hilarious bartender, 550 feet above the Las Vegas strip. We visited Fremont Street, which was such a wild experience and I’m so glad we managed to fit it in. I went swimming almost every day and despite it being October, the weather was unseasonably warm. I loved Vegas so much I’m going again this October!

I had a lovely Christmas, surrounded by family, too many presents and even more Christmas cookies.

I had a fantastic 2017 in most elements of my life. Now, what do I want to focus on in 2018 (because I know myself enough to know not to call is a resolution)?

-I want to lead a healthier life style and that mean losing weight by eating better and exercising. My dad is diabetic and I need to get my act together because health is wealth. I plan on losing weight by joining and following Weight Watchers, giving myself a water consumption goal for the day, and dusting off my neglected treadmill. I also plan on blogging weekly with my weigh ins because that makes me more accountable.

-I want to find a new job in a different field so I can do what I love and love what I do. I’ll keep the specifics to myself because they’re pretty boring.

-I need to get my drivers license. Like, for real.

-I want to keep traveling! I’m hoping for Greece and Vegas again this year.

-I need to see my best friend more. Life gets busy and we lead two very different kinds of social lives but that girl brings joy to my heart and we need to make our friendship more of a priority. There is no one in this world who knows me more or better and spending time with her, even when we’re doing nothing (which is most of the time), always makes my heart happy.

I’m wishing you all a happy, healthy and fun 2018!

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Update

Update: things are getting better.

I received an email from Weight Watchers today, my 6 month subscription has ended. When I read it, I giggled a bit because in the past 6 months, instead of losing weight, I’ve gained some. I started 2016, much like I’ve started every year since…2009? Way too long to be optimistic about a change that hasn’t come.

So, I was left with a decision, do I sign up again? Do I say ‘screw it’ and go rogue?

 

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I refuse to stay stagnant and give it another try.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lowest of Lows

I think I’ve hit an all time low.

I’m going to be completely honest and say not much has changed since April, in fact, things have gotten much worse.

My denial/anxiety bubble was popped when I weighed myself and discovered I’m at the highest weight I’ve ever been, 45 lbs more than I’ve ever been, to be exact.

At this point I’m beyond surprised, I’m disappointed, embarrassed and scared. I’m disappointed and embarrassed at how I’ve allowed myself to completely spiral out of control and I’m scared at what my future holds if I don’t change my life right now.

My Weight Watchers subscription expires on June 30th, I’m going to renew it and promise myself that I actually make use of it.

I guess I just needed to put this out there, so I can finally admit it to myself and remember just how horrible this evening felt.

Tomorrow will be better, it has to be.

what to do when you’re not you?

I’ve always been an anxious girl, I constantly worry and I get killer heart palpitations. I’m also claustrophobic so I avoid busy elevators, Sephora in December and rooms without a view.

In March I realized my social anxiety has a lot to do with my weight. I reverted back into my denial bubble awhile back but that bubble burst two weeks ago when I realized just how unhappy I am.

My body is tired, NOTHING fits my anymore, I literally wear the same 3 outfits all week and feel like crap in those outfits, might I add. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, I haven’t felt cute/sexy/pretty in a long time. My mom is worried about me because I don’t seem like myself, “it’s like the light went out in you” is how she described it. If things weren’t bad enough, everything boiled over last weekend.

I bought Blue Jay tickets for me, my mom, brother and sister months ago. We like baseball and went to a bunch games last season and despite feeling uncomfortable in the tiny Rogers Centre seats, I always buy them on an aisle. On Friday a feeling of dread came over me when I would think about going to the game. Maybe it was because I’ve gained a bit of weight since last summer, and if I was uncomfortable then, what was it going to be like now? I tried to dismiss all those dark thoughts and get excited.

Sunday morning I woke up feeling miserable. I just wanted to sleep in, I didn’t have anything to wear and I didn’t want to go. I also didn’t want to be a Debbie Downer so I just stayed quite for the car ride there, and quiet isn’t one of the things I do well. We got downtown parking and after 15 minutes of walking, half of it uphill, I was cold, out of breath and feeling completely out of shape. As soon as  we got through security and I was starting to catching my breath we had to walk up three levels to our seats in the nosebleed section. Level by level I felt worse and worse. I told my family I’d meet them in the seats, ran to the bathroom and vomited. I couldn’t catch my breath, my heart was hammering in my chest and my head was spinning. I stood in the stall for 10 minutes until I felt better then ran some cold water over my hands and held them to the back of my neck until the nausea stopped.

I came out of the bathroom, found my gate and the usher told me my seat was to the right, 20 steps up. 20 steep steps up. I got to the 10th step and my thighs were burning and I couldn’t hear anything but the blood rushing in my ears. I didn’t want to get dizzy so I didn’t look up or down, I just wanted to get to my seat. Now I can only imagine what I looked like, chest heaving, tears in my eyes, struggling to get up those steps. I finally got to my seat and my heart felt like it was going to explode in my chest and I immediately started sobbing. It took 15 minutes but slowly I felt better, except for the embarrassment of having everyone look at me like I was crazy.

I’m an open book about a lot of things, but my anxiety isn’t one of them. I’m the rock of my family so I don’t open up about how I’m feeling all the time. I like to keep that vulnerability to myself, I don’t want to worry anyone. When I came apart at the game, I knew everyone was worried and surprised, so was I. It has never been that bad, so it was scary to me, too! I’m still not too sure what happened or why but it was a big wake up call.

Last week I made sure to portion out all my food and be honest with tracking. Finding out a large double double with cream and sugar is 14 points plus was like a dagger to the heart, but I can learn to love black coffee, right? Right, guys!?!?!

This week I’m focusing on upping my water and reintroducing myself to the treadmill in my bedroom.

I weighed myself today, the first time since February. I’m looking forward to getting everything back on track so I can start feeling like myself again because carrying around this rain cloud isn’t fun.

 

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I have confirmed but not yet booked a vacation in November. I’m going to Disney World with my road dogs, my mom, brother and sister, aunt and cousin. It will probably be the last time going to Disney for a while. I’m already really excited. Last year we went in August and I cannot express just how uncomfortable I was. It was averaging 93 degrees Fahrenheit which is around 33 degrees for my Celsius people. Disney World was a raging, soupy inferno thanks to the sun, humidity and surprising lack of shade.

Other than the vacation, last summer was really busy for me, being a bridesmaid really took up a lot of my summer. When my grandparents mentioned they wanted to take the family to Disney for 2 weeks, I was worried about how I would swing it so I decided to just go for a week. No one really tells you how much being a bridesmaid costs!

Preparing and packing for the vacation was horrible. I needed a bathing suit, a hat, some t-shirts, capris, sunscreen, USD and I needed everything in a hurry. I couldn’t find yoga capri pants to save my life. The 2XL Nike ones I had at home felt like Spanx and nothing I tried on in the stores fit right, I left every store frustrated. Bathing suit shopping felt like a telenovela. It was a mess. I was stressed out, unhappy and had never felt worse about myself. I had not a single item of clothing I felt confident in.

The flight was horrible, we got to the airport only to find out I wouldn’t be sitting with my family. I kept my legs clenched so tight together to make the stranger sitting next to me feel a little more comfortable, I think I pretended to sleep for the whole flight.

Not only was it really hot in Florida, but the whole week was busy. A more relaxed day in Disney usually consists of at least 10,000 steps. As someone who works in an office, I average probably 2,000 in a day. In Florida I was walking more than I had in a long time, in the heat, carrying around all this weight. I was tired. I felt like I couldn’t keep up (even though I’m pretty sure that was all in my head), my feet hurt because even the most supportive shoe can only do so much. My back hurt, I was getting more and more irritable, and I was really disappointed in myself for allowing it to get this bad. Simply standing strained my lower back, when I sat I felt like I looked like a melted mound of a person.

It’s funny how my mindset has changed in less than a year. I don’t care as much how I look in those yoga pants, I just don’t want to be fatigued all the damn time. I want to have more energy, I want to be able to swim or fly there without having to talk myself down from a mini panic attack. I want to able to walk all those steps and not feel like I’ve been trekking through the dessert for many, many months.

Really, this extends to everything in my life. The idea of going on a walk feels so foreign to me now. Walk? For pleasure? Whaaat? I have a treadmill in the bedroom, there’s absolutely no reason why I can’t use it after work while watching 1 of the 100 shows that I love.

I just don’t want to get that vacation dread that creeps up a month before I leave. The worrying about the flight and if I get separated from my family again, if the seat belt will fit. Worrying about how I look and if I’ll be able to go on all the rides and if I’ll be able to keep up.

Moral of the post, I need to lose weight for functionality more than aesthetic. Oh how I’ve grown.

Bye January!

The first month of 2016 is almost over.

I’m slowly but surely creeping out of Baby Shower/Christmas/New Year, New Me debt.

I had successfully planned and hosted my cousins bridal shower a year ago so when she announced she was pregnant, her best friend and I stepped up to plan her baby shower. It’s stressful planning and hosting a party with 50 people but I think I’m good at it and I think everyone had a great time. Baby Aleksija Auleny was born on December 8th, she’s absolutely adorable and sends me into baby fever whenever I’m around her.

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I don’t usually put things on my credit cards but the baby shower in November really put me behind financially and this year I had a bunch of Secret Santas and extra people to buy for. Christmas is my favourite holiday and even though it was just as lovely this year, I was exhausted.

As for the New Year, New Me debt, I signed up for Weight Watchers, got myself a cute turquoise Fitbit and chopped 3 inches of dead, damaged hair off my head. All of the three were very necessary, very worthwhile purchases.

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It’s been a month since I signed up for Weight Watchers and I’ve come to two major conclusions. The first is, I’m eating too much of all the wrong things and the second is I’m not going hard enough.

I have always had serious issues with food. I binge eat and I seek comfort in that uncomfortable full feeling I would get after eating way too much. I miss it, that bursting, heavy feeling in my stomach as crazy as that seems. I also mindlessly eat and I self-sabotage after a good eating day. I’ll catch myself thinking ‘oh, I didn’t eat breakfast this morning’ only to remember I had toast and 2 cookies. Last week I was having an excellent eating day with 6 points to spare and instead of eating those 6 points, I ate 3 croissants.

As I said, I’m not going hard enough. I’m not measuring and tracking diligently enough and I know this because a.) I catch myself doing it all time and b.) The scale is not moving down the way it should. I’m eyeballing condiments and cups of rice and recipes. I sometimes track after the day is done only to realize I had one too many double doubles and maybe those fries at Swiss Chalet wasn’t the best decision.

In February I’m committing to strict tracking and portioning, I know this will make a huge difference.

Does anyone have any monthly goals for February? I’d love to hear them! 🙂

Sunday: An Adult Affair

My work schedule doesn’t give me two days off in a row, so I never have a real weekend but I’ve come to love Sundays.

Sunday is the only day I don’t wake up to an alarm so I like to leave my curtains open so I  can wake up naturally.

I usually schedule my week so that I don’t have to leave my house on Sundays, which is ideal. Because I’m off my boobs are too, so I go au natural.

I get around to doing some laundry and actually put the laundry away while watching a movie or tv show I’ve probably seen a hundred times before. Today it was X Files.

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I like to cook and only get a chance to on Sundays so I make big batch meals that everyone can eat through the week. I turn yummy things like this

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into this

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and eat eventually eat dinner.

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I also like to figure out my breakfasts and lunches and their smart points for the week. I’m a horrible impulse/mindless eater so I feel taking the time to go through what I’m going to eat sets me up for success.

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After dinner I like to slather my head in Josie Maran argan oil. Between the blonde that I put in it every year, blow drying, and flat ironing, I really put it through the ringer. I like to think (and pray) the argan oil helps a little.

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To end the day I get into a freshly laundered bed, watch some more tv or catch up on some reading.

Happy Sunday, everyone!