During the last year or so I’ve really wavered between acceptance and denial in regards to weight loss/healthy living/body acceptance. I think both helped and hindered me majorly for the latter part of 2014 and into 2015.

Acceptance got me far. It stopped me from wearing baggy track pants and oversized tshirt all day every day (I guess so did a full time job, though). I threw self-consciousness to the wind and replaced my bootcut (apparently the best fit for my body type) jeans with skinny jeans. I wore dresses that weren’t the most flattering for said body type because I liked them. I bought nice clothes often (I fell in love with asos.com) because I was so sick of not really having a personal style. I’m sure that acceptance blurred into denial which helped me gain 15 lbs in 4 months.

I made the last payment to clear up my credit card debt for good a week ago when I noticed that I was billed for Weight Watchers online. I’ve been paying for this service while I’ve been actively gaining weight. Cue Ironic by Alanis Morrisette.

At work I went through all the foods I eat all the time to find out the Point values. My problem is I’m not necessary eating junk, I’m just eating the wrong things in the wrong portions. Too many carbs, too much sugar, not enough water, not enough fruits and vegetables, not enough 0 Point snacks.

I’m hung up on time again, just like they say, history has a way of repeating itself. Instead of being content with the fact that I have the ability to change courses, start a new path, do things different, I’m caught up on the fact that the last year, 2, 3, 6 years could have been different. The logical me knows there’s no point in crying over spilt milk, but the irrational me cannot get over it! The only thing I can do is harness that frustration and use it in my favor, to change things for good, finally.

The above was written a week ago, so far:

I made a weekly weigh in plan.


I’ve also started tracking again. In a perfect world it wouldn’t be necessary to portion everything out and track every last morsel, but this is not a perfect world. I’ve successfully tracked for a week, the official weigh in date is Sundays.

And here’s a picture of my lunch on Friday, just because it looks pretty.




Sunday weigh in was a success, down 2.0 lbs exactly despite a Chinese food and McDonalds slip up during the week.

Because my work hours aren’t 9-5, I’ve been experimenting with what meals I eat and when. For example, should I eat breakfast a small breakfast at 8 a.m., a small lunch at 11:30ish, an early dinner at 3:00 (my hour lunch/dinner break) and a very light snack when I get home at 8:30 p.m. No small lunch at 11:30 or no small snack at 8:30 p.m…I’m still trying to work it out.

I’ll be back to share my goal pyramid before the end of the week.

I haven’t blogged and I’m going to be completely honest why: I’ve been living in denial, topped off with half-hearted “don’t give a fuck” attitude, using holiday indulgence as my crutch.

On November 16th I blogged that I hadn’t weighed myself since sometime in August and that I was going to right after I uploaded that post. That didn’t happen. It’s not that I’ve been consciously avoiding it, it’s like its a new concept to me that hasn’t quite caught on.

So I did this morning. I was looking for something in my bathroom vanity and something at the very back caught my eye. I didn’t even recognize it. I very cautiously stepped on and saw the highest number I’ve ever seen. EVER. I stepped off and back on again 4 times and the number stayed the same. I am the heaviest right now than I’ve ever been. I always felt secure in weighing in lower that my highest weight, even if it was by a couple pounds, there was always an internal sigh of whew, at least its not ###. 

I’ve been through this cycle of recognizing the problem, trying to figure out the whys and whats, getting motivated, going MIA and ignoring it.

As I’ve mention before, a while back my life completely fell apart; I was more depressed than I ever let on and I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t think I’d ever make anything of myself. But slowly, things started to get better. A couple months ago I thought the most important things are under control now, my finances, my mental health but there’s one big thing that I’ve been avoiding.

I’m severely and dangerously overweight and I believe I could feel a lot better if I weighed less.

In the past I psyched myself out because I never thought I could be successful and lose weight, part of me still doesn’t but I better do something about it now, before it’s too late (whatever that could be).

So, I’m going to do what I’ve done a million times before, hit reset and start again. Today I made a goal pyramid with long term, monthly, weekly and daily goals which I will share. Tomorrow, I’m going to track my food, drink 2L of water and think positive thoughts. I’m going to do that every day this week. I’m going to fake confidence until I start being confident (that usually comes with a couple successful weigh ins) and I’m just going to do it. One day at a time, one meal at a time.

Check Out



Blogging has been a struggle for me lately all year, really. I think I’ve posted 8 times this year. I miss writing posts and I’m not too sure what happened, I don’t know if it’s because I’m missing the sense of community I had with Blogger circa 2011 or if it’s because I’m being too critical of myself. I just can’t put a finger on it.

Even though autumn isn’t over till December 21st, I think it’s unofficially over now. The weather is getting colder, the Christmas decorations in my house are out and I’m starting to get in the holiday spirit.

There have been some changes at work that will take some getting used to but everything is pretty much the same on that front. I do start a modified work schedule which means I’ll be off 3 days a week from December 1st to February 1st.

All is the same on the weight loss front. I tried to think of the last time I weighed myself and it must have been sometime pre or post vacation in August. It’s not like I’ve been avoiding it, it’s just totally slipped my mind. I’m going to do it first thing tomorrow morning now that it’s top of mind and I’m predicting, by the way my clothes fit, nothing has changed.

In certain ways I’m doing great, incorporating more veggies in my meals, making sure I’m getting at least 1L of water a day etc. and in other ways, old habits die hard.



Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian friends!

My family had dinner yesterday at my grandparent’s house, here’s my beautiful plate.









I chose to eat my dessert on an app plate so I didn’t over do it









And here’s some brotherly and best friend selfie love

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Today I plan on eating Thanksgiving leftovers, finishing a couple books, cooking a couple new recipes and watching too much TV.


September Love


Thank the heavenly father for days off. Even though Sunday is the only day where an alarm doesn’t wake me up, I’m still thankful for leisurely Thursdays. Today I’ve had 4 cups of tea, did some running around and now I’m starting both True Detective and The Goldfinch.

September has started off great. My summer was a little hectic and a lot of things that needed to get done/be purchased/get caught up on were put on the back burner so September is kind of a catch up month.

So far I’ve caught up on my bills, bought 4 new pillows (because sleep is important and I’m ridiculously pleased that pillows now take up 1/3 of my bed), bought 4 new super cute notebooks (for no other reason than I love cute notebooks), finished 2 books, bought the biggest, warmest, most water resistant winter boots (because I refuse to have wrinkled, wet toes all day this winter), I’ve tried 2 new recipes and most important importantly, I renewed my WW online membership.

However, at this time, I feel like I’m just debating the inevitable. I’m struggling with using the WW online tools, I know that I did better when I was attending the meetings and I could find a time on Thursdays to attend a meeting, but I’m still dragging my heels.

I was thinking just how much I like the fall, the cool sweater weather and just how lovely it would be to have an under chunky sweaters transformation. I just noticed that while typing the last sentence, it seems a bit flighty but in my head it makes perfect sense. I’ve felt the need to start again, start my “weight loss journey” *insert eye roll* again and really be successful. I’ve felt this way dozens hundreds of times before and while I used to be kind of embarrassed about it, I now embrace it. It’s human to ebb and flow, to experience high highs and low lows, and if you float on on those high highs and really run with it, go balls to the wall with it, then that’s great. So I’m going to roll with the feeling, again.

I’m also going to take the opportunity to make this a me blog, not a weight related blog. I like to try new recipes, read new books, watch new shows and movies, so I think I’m going to talk about that kind of stuff more, too. Probably something along the lines of monthly favourites.

I also bought a new 1L water bottle and I’ve been averaging around 2L per day and I’ve already noticed a difference in my skin and overall I’m starting to feel better.


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