11 Aug

In attempt to start this blog post half a dozen times, I’ve noticed that the ongoing theme for me this year has been frazzled. I can’t seem to get into a good groove with a lot…cleaning, reading, cooking/meal prep, sex, blogging, you name it.

So in order to give the illusion of a normal thought process, here’s a tidbit update:

A.) I’ve been going back and forth with this blog, buy my domain name and go all in, promote it and have it out there or just abandon it, jump ship and start another blog, or just give up in general. However, deleting this blog seems like a defeat of some sort and I just don’t like the way that feels and I can’t even spit out a post a month so who am I kidding buying a domain?! I guess for now I’ll just try to commit myself to posting more thoughtful, consistent content.

B.) Being a bridesmaid in a wedding is a lot, as much as I love my cousin, I’m so ready for the wedding to be here.

C.) I look forward to summer every year and yet for the last two weeks I can’t stop thinking about how lovely autumn is.

D.) I just got back from a week at Disneyworld. My family is still there for a week and while I’m bummed I couldn’t be with them for two weeks, I’m thankful I got to go for a week HOWEVER, Florida in August is bloody horrible. Disney is like therapy for your soul, it really is magical but it can also be absolute torture. I’ve never been more aware of my body. The heat, the 10k steps everyday for 6 days, it was brutal.

Which brings me to…

E.) I found the most unflattering picture of me in Florida and I’m going to post it for a very specific reason. Some of my bestest friends at work are aware I have a blog and when I was asked what it was about, I got tripped up for a moment. I just waved it off and said it’s about random stuff but lately it seems like it does in fact have a very specific theme: displeasure. Displeasure with stuff in my life but more so displeasure with myself. It’s not a weight loss blog, it’s a miserable blog about a girl who seems like she really doesn’t like herself and a blog about a girl who seems like she doesn’t have it together.

So heres my before picture, nothing sucked, nothing tucked…

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And with that concludes the last half assed, lustreless post (…well not forever, but you know what I’m saying). Tomorrow I’m going to wake up with a new plan, a new attitude but with my old hair which I’ve missed oh-so much because all last week, I looked like this:

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Sucky When Sick/Sickly Selfie

15 Jun

Oh man, it’s been a rough week.
After having what felt like a throat filled with broken glass and being extremely lethargic for three days I went to the doctor early last week. Turns out it was tonsillitis, no big deal. I mean, it sucks, but I’ve had it plenty of times so I know I can tough it out. Just when I started feeling better, probably around Thursday, I got a very familiar head cold headache. Turns out I’ve got a full blown head cold.

As I’m sitting here, fluid is literally pouring out of my eyes and nose, miserable as sin. I would apologize for the TMI but I’m a TMI kinda gal.

Hopefully I kick this demon sickness in the butt soon because I’m a real suck when I’m sick. Till then, gallons of black tea and snotty Puffs with lotions (a nose in need really does deserve Puffs Plus with lotion indeed) rags.
Here’s a sick selfie, and oh yeah, I chopped 4-5 inches off my hair.

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Weight Watchers update, I’ve been absolute rubbish with tracking lately. I HATE the idea of all that money going to waste so I’m going to set up notifications to nag remind me throughout the day.

Stuffs

5 Jun

Adult life, is something else sometimes isn’t it?

I feel like I can keep 2 or 3 things afloat, but anything else that gets thrown into the mix and I’m frazzled.

I just turned 26 last week. I ended up working on my birthday but my team made it a really nice day. My cube mate decorated my desk, we got pizza and she picked up a huge black forrest cake (my favourite). The whole weekend was fun.

I’ve been busy planning my cousin’s shower. Turns out planning a bridal shower isn’t as easy as I thought it was going to be. Don’t get me wrong, planning events is right up my alley, it gives me a chance to flex my anal nature. However, it’s not always easy to work with other people, no one RSVPs by the due date, differences of opinion etc.

Planning a family vacation is 100 x easier. Well, it is when you don’t have to worry about booking flights, accommodations or park tickets. My mom and I are the planners in the family so we’ve booked some of the breakfasts, lunches and dinners which is really fun.

So planning aside, the only thing that’s not fun are the budgets. August is going to be a busy, expensive month. A vacation and a wedding?

Like I mentioned, I’m finding it tough to juggle working full time, making time for family, friends and the man, saving money, planning those events, planning meals, getting enough sleep, finding time for what I like….man oh man.

I’m a list girl, so today is my day off and I’m going to make lists to organize myself because usually that makes me feel calm.

I was debating what to buy myself for my birthday and after some thinking I signed up for 3 months of Weight Watchers online. Here we go again, right?

 

Oh, hey there!

29 Apr

I think I forgot how to blog, or that I have a blog, or possibly that at one time, I loved my blog.

Lots of things have been going on, but nothing really seems new. I have a new work schedule that I absolutely hate but I keep reminding myself that my full time wages are not only making a big different in the quality of my life but also my sanity and my savings account. Its a challenging job at times but it doesn’t really spark any creativity so I’m trying to remember how to write focused, meaningful posts, I miss that feeling of posting something heartfelt.

I received my bridesmaid dress and I’m already wondering if it’s alter-able. The finality of a bridesmaid dress that fits you now perfectly, despite the fact that you’d like to be at least 3 sizes smaller by the wedding, fills me with anxiety. I’ll work on it…tomorrow.

Despite not writing, I’ve been reading more. The commute to work leaves me with 1.5 hours of glorious Kobo time.

I really miss cooking. My new work schedule, 12:00 p.m – 8:00 p.m, leaves me no real time to properly cook a meal. However, I have been eating a big, proper breakfast which is kind of nice. Lately I’ve been eating scrambled eggs, some greek yogurt and a crumpet.

I’ve been trying to add some different clothing pieces into my wardrobe, things that I normally wouldn’t buy, kind of scary but kind of liberating as well. I, Erin, bought a horizontal striped obnoxiously neon pink shirt….yep.

I can’t remember if I mentioned it in my last blog, but my grandparents are taking my family to Disney again in August so I’m super excited for that. My type-A personality is ready and raring to go, I’ve been making lists and itineraries since they told us.

I’m also toying with the idea of changing up this blog and making it public, even promoting it. I always try to scale myself back a bit, self edit, make sure I don’t cross “the” line but now more than ever, I just want to write posts that really reflect my thoughts, feelings and personality. I also want to write about different things, weight and non-weight related. I’ve always compartmentalized my life, different faces for different people and what not.

It’s kind of funny, my mom always said that women really come into their own when they’re 25. I’m turning 26 in May and I think I’m finally ready to show the world, who I am, unapologetically.

And just so we don’t go too far out there, for the record in the last 3 weeks I’ve lost 8 pounds, and it feels pretty damn good.

 

 

Aside 4 Mar

It’s been a while and it’s time for an update!

In January I got hired by a ‘Big 5′ bank for a role I never imagined myself doing. I got hired tentatively dependant upon whether I passed an exam. Not only did I need this job financially but I needed it for my self esteem as well. Months and months of full time job hunting with no interviews was starting to really get to me. Studying for the exam was so stressful but it’s official and I’m happy. The dress code is business casual and with my first paycheque I bought some simple pieces that I wear the hell out of week after week. 

All is steady on the weight loss front. It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve blogged and I’ve lost 15 lbs. I attribute most of the loss to the fact that I’ve been packing my breakfasts and lunches for work. However I have been letting the stress of training for this job be an excuse for eating more junk then I should be. 

I went bridesmaid dress shopping two weeks ago for my cousin’s wedding in August. The other two bridesmaids are 5’9 and roughly a size 10. I’m 5’5 and definitely not a size 10. I got in the fitting room with an arm full of dresses, turned around and realized there was no mirror. What kind of dressing room doesn’t have a mirror? I was super self conscious but tried my hardest not to show it. We tried on a couple of awful dresses but settled on a strapless Grecian style dress with a rushed sweetheart neckline. While ‘they’ say you should never use an event as motivation to lose weight, I’ll definitely be doing that in the weeks and months to come. 

Now that things have settled down, I’m looking forward to getting back into the swing of blogging. 

And That’s That

10 Dec

I have started nineteen blog posts and finished none. For some weird reason I have been unable to focus my thoughts.

I have been losing and finding the same 15 pounds for a couple months now. I’m trying to weed out a lot of the carbs in my diet, eat cleaner food and control my portions. Right now I’m trying to focus on getting a bit of a head start before Christmas. I tend to indulge a little more than I should around the holidays, much like a lot of people, but so far I’ve been able to steer clear from all the really junky food at parties and potlucks. I try to load up my plate with veggies and cheeses and limit how many alcoholic drinks I have.

Despite things in my life being the same, things certainly feel different.

For years I have kept things the same with my appearance. Straightened hair, minimal make-up, all black wardrobe. I think a lot of this comes from not wanting to draw attention to myself, no standing out whatsoever.

When I turned 25 I bought the first dress I had worn since my high school prom. I wore it to my birthday party as well as my graduation and while I really liked the dress, I felt so uncomfortable. A couple months later when I went to Pennsylvania I picked up some Calvin Klein dresses from Burlington Coat factory, despite the fact that the thought of wearing a dress still makes me anxious.

Since I last blogged I’ve worn a dress 4 times. The same dress actually, I’ve thrown that fashion faux pas to the wind. The first time I decided to wear it I put it on and immediately took it off. It falls a bit above the knee and I’ve never worn anything other than a bathing suit that falls above the knee. However, I decided to be brave and wear it. I might have had a mini panic attack before I left the house but I mustered up some confidence. I wore that dress with tights and high heels. And tousled hair. And eyeliner (a new found love). I didn’t even recognize myself.

Here I am in said dress, three different times.

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Disclaimer, I wore boots with this ensemble, therefore the white socks weren’t visible.

 

 

I’ve also been wearing tights as pants, fat legs and all.

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While I was standing in my best friend’s spare bedroom, debating whether or not to wear that dress, putting it on, then taking it off, something came to me.

I’m done with waiting to have fun and waiting to celebrate life till I’m smaller and therefore look better in the pictures. Fuck flattering. Fuck what other people think. While I don’t love the way I look at this weight, I’m absolutely done hating myself. It’s a long process, and I’m fully committed to it and I’m going to wear whatever I want while I’m at it.

And that’s that.

Doing Things Differently

22 Oct

I started yesterday with the worst of intentions. I woke up with a horrible pain in my stomach and back, the kind of pain you can only attribute to being a woman. On top of that I was tired and miserable, already, much like I’ve started my day for a month.

I went about my morning routine, waking up the beasts and what not and getting them ready for school, and while I was filing up my water and downing my 3 Aleves (thanks for the tip Andrea!), I decided I would do things differently.

First, I didn’t turn the TV on at all, usually I turn it on at 9 and leave it on all day, sometimes I watch it, sometimes I just use it as background noise. Instead I turned on some jazz music and started cleaning and applying for some new job postings.

I usually spend my day pretty sedentary so instead I filled up my water bottle, grabbed my Kobo and hopped on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Then I did The Biggest Loser workout DVD for 20 minutes and walked up and down my 5 front stairs 15 times. There were exactly 13 times when I wanted to stop. I was tired and sweaty and I hate that feeling but I didn’t stop.

Because I didn’t eat breakfast I was ravenous after working out. I made myself this plate.

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Pretty damn impressive considering some of the processed crap I’ve been eating. The best part was how great I felt after, fresh, clean food makes my stomach happy, go figure.

I was going to go for a walk that evening because I love this time of year, when the sun is still bright and warm but the air is cool and you don’t sweat up a storm. However, it started to rain and I wasn’t that gung-ho so instead I did some core exercises, put away three loads of laundry and straightened up my room.

I got into bed early, spritzed myself with some perfume because it makes me feel nice, moisturized everything above my neck and called it a night early.

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Today I had some appointments and some errands to run and while my eating wasn’t as on point as yesterdays  managed to get in a walk before the sun went down.

I’m proud of the little changes that I’ve made and hope I keep them up!

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