Aside 4 Mar

It’s been a while and it’s time for an update!

In January I got hired by a ‘Big 5′ bank for a role I never imagined myself doing. I got hired tentatively dependant upon whether I passed an exam. Not only did I need this job financially but I needed it for my self esteem as well. Months and months of full time job hunting with no interviews was starting to really get to me. Studying for the exam was so stressful but it’s official and I’m happy. The dress code is business casual and with my first paycheque I bought some simple pieces that I wear the hell out of week after week. 

All is steady on the weight loss front. It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve blogged and I’ve lost 15 lbs. I attribute most of the loss to the fact that I’ve been packing my breakfasts and lunches for work. However I have been letting the stress of training for this job be an excuse for eating more junk then I should be. 

I went bridesmaid dress shopping two weeks ago for my cousin’s wedding in August. The other two bridesmaids are 5’9 and roughly a size 10. I’m 5’5 and definitely not a size 10. I got in the fitting room with an arm full of dresses, turned around and realized there was no mirror. What kind of dressing room doesn’t have a mirror? I was super self conscious but tried my hardest not to show it. We tried on a couple of awful dresses but settled on a strapless Grecian style dress with a rushed sweetheart neckline. While ‘they’ say you should never use an event as motivation to lose weight, I’ll definitely be doing that in the weeks and months to come. 

Now that things have settled down, I’m looking forward to getting back into the swing of blogging. 

And That’s That

10 Dec

I have started nineteen blog posts and finished none. For some weird reason I have been unable to focus my thoughts.

I have been losing and finding the same 15 pounds for a couple months now. I’m trying to weed out a lot of the carbs in my diet, eat cleaner food and control my portions. Right now I’m trying to focus on getting a bit of a head start before Christmas. I tend to indulge a little more than I should around the holidays, much like a lot of people, but so far I’ve been able to steer clear from all the really junky food at parties and potlucks. I try to load up my plate with veggies and cheeses and limit how many alcoholic drinks I have.

Despite things in my life being the same, things certainly feel different.

For years I have kept things the same with my appearance. Straightened hair, minimal make-up, all black wardrobe. I think a lot of this comes from not wanting to draw attention to myself, no standing out whatsoever.

When I turned 25 I bought the first dress I had worn since my high school prom. I wore it to my birthday party as well as my graduation and while I really liked the dress, I felt so uncomfortable. A couple months later when I went to Pennsylvania I picked up some Calvin Klein dresses from Burlington Coat factory, despite the fact that the thought of wearing a dress still makes me anxious.

Since I last blogged I’ve worn a dress 4 times. The same dress actually, I’ve thrown that fashion faux pas to the wind. The first time I decided to wear it I put it on and immediately took it off. It falls a bit above the knee and I’ve never worn anything other than a bathing suit that falls above the knee. However, I decided to be brave and wear it. I might have had a mini panic attack before I left the house but I mustered up some confidence. I wore that dress with tights and high heels. And tousled hair. And eyeliner (a new found love). I didn’t even recognize myself.

Here I am in said dress, three different times.

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Disclaimer, I wore boots with this ensemble, therefore the white socks weren’t visible.

 

 

I’ve also been wearing tights as pants, fat legs and all.

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While I was standing in my best friend’s spare bedroom, debating whether or not to wear that dress, putting it on, then taking it off, something came to me.

I’m done with waiting to have fun and waiting to celebrate life till I’m smaller and therefore look better in the pictures. Fuck flattering. Fuck what other people think. While I don’t love the way I look at this weight, I’m absolutely done hating myself. It’s a long process, and I’m fully committed to it and I’m going to wear whatever I want while I’m at it.

And that’s that.

Doing Things Differently

22 Oct

I started yesterday with the worst of intentions. I woke up with a horrible pain in my stomach and back, the kind of pain you can only attribute to being a woman. On top of that I was tired and miserable, already, much like I’ve started my day for a month.

I went about my morning routine, waking up the beasts and what not and getting them ready for school, and while I was filing up my water and downing my 3 Aleves (thanks for the tip Andrea!), I decided I would do things differently.

First, I didn’t turn the TV on at all, usually I turn it on at 9 and leave it on all day, sometimes I watch it, sometimes I just use it as background noise. Instead I turned on some jazz music and started cleaning and applying for some new job postings.

I usually spend my day pretty sedentary so instead I filled up my water bottle, grabbed my Kobo and hopped on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Then I did The Biggest Loser workout DVD for 20 minutes and walked up and down my 5 front stairs 15 times. There were exactly 13 times when I wanted to stop. I was tired and sweaty and I hate that feeling but I didn’t stop.

Because I didn’t eat breakfast I was ravenous after working out. I made myself this plate.

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Pretty damn impressive considering some of the processed crap I’ve been eating. The best part was how great I felt after, fresh, clean food makes my stomach happy, go figure.

I was going to go for a walk that evening because I love this time of year, when the sun is still bright and warm but the air is cool and you don’t sweat up a storm. However, it started to rain and I wasn’t that gung-ho so instead I did some core exercises, put away three loads of laundry and straightened up my room.

I got into bed early, spritzed myself with some perfume because it makes me feel nice, moisturized everything above my neck and called it a night early.

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Today I had some appointments and some errands to run and while my eating wasn’t as on point as yesterdays  managed to get in a walk before the sun went down.

I’m proud of the little changes that I’ve made and hope I keep them up!

I’m Not Fluent in Fitness

18 Oct

I’m fitness illiterate/phobic.

My fitness repertoire consists of walking and doing a bunch of stretches with a resistance band that I’m almost sure exercises zero of muscles. Coincidentally, the only fitness equipment I own is a treadmill and a resistance band.

This week I decided to venture to the health and fitness sections of Pinterest and StumbleUpon. I quickly realized that I actually have no idea what I’m doing. I was looking for full body, no equipment workouts and ended up having to Youtube everything because I had no idea what Russian twists and sumo squats were. I suppose, just like everything else, it’s a learning process. My body is probably the opposite of a blank canvas, and while the term whole body workouts seems intimidating to me, I was thinking of areas in which I should focus and ended up with my neck to my ankles. As full body as could be, right?

I’m a lazy person. When I was a kid my parents enrolled me in tons of classes and I enjoyed them all until it got too hard. When I started to get chubby and the leotards started to get too tight and the dancing stopped being ‘fun’ and started getting ‘hard’, I stopped. Same thing with dancing. The same as skating. I enjoy being good at things, I just sometimes shy away from having to work for it.

Last night I was thinking how much easier my weight loss process would be if I enjoyed exercising. If I only liked doing it, I would do it more often. Then I mentally smacked myself across the face because I realized you don’t have to enjoy it, you just have to do it. And keep doing it.

I relate it much to tracking and counting points, sometimes its tough but when you start losing weight and start seeing results, it makes it all worth while. And sure, of course there will be lulls in that motivation, but in the end, the highs seem to outweigh the lows when you’re in the groove. I bet it’s the same with exercising. You just do it until you start to see results, and then you keep doing it because it’s worth while. I can see it becoming addicting.

I’ve mentioned before that the idea of being able to sculpt your body by losing weight and exercising is so exciting and inspiring, probably because it’s pretty foreign to me.  While scrolling through Pinterest, I stumbled across a page that caters workouts to your body shape. Sound’s useful, however, I don’t know what my body shape is. I don’t think I’ve had a shape since middle school. So, this weekend my job is to take full body measurements and research all things fitness.

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Tell me, what workouts do you do? What do you love? Help a blog sister out.

Update

15 Oct

I hope all my Canadian friends had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. Mine was packed with going to the zoo, Kensington Market, condo pool crashing, lots of food and lots of fun.
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I’ve forgotten to weigh in on Sunday for two weeks now, for whatever reason, the habit just hasn’t stuck. I’m debating whether to weigh in tomorrow morning or giving myself a fresh start and do it Sunday.

My not-so-fat jeans are still way too tight and while that bums me out a bit, I know that if I focus, I can be in them by the end of November.
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Anyone who knows me knows my stomach is a complex, fickle thing.

A couple years ago I noticed that I had a tight, radiating pain around my diaphragm with waves of nausea after eating certain things. After a grueling, 30 minute ultrasound, I remember turning around and looking at the monitor and just knowing that those solid, white speckles were gallstones. Turns out they were. After modifying my diet a bit here and there, and figuring how to keep an attack at bay, I decided against surgery. It’s been two years since I’ve had an attack.

Last Christmas I noticed that something else was bothering my stomach. I tried recording when I felt ill and what did it, but I couldn’t pin point exactly what it was. Sometimes I’d feel bloated, sometimes nauseous, sometimes have cramps, most times have diarrhea, but I mean, anything could do that. For a while I was sure I just had a sensative stomach. And then I started getting hives along my jawline after eating. A friend of mine suffered from the same symptoms and found out she has a gluten intolerance. I don’t want to self diagnose so I’m thinking of maybe eliminating gluten for a while and seeing if those symptoms persist.

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I just finished reading Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn, if you like her work or you like dark, creepy mystery/psychological thrillers, give it a try. It’s eerie and disturbing and I couldn’t put it down.

 

 

 

Not So Fat Jeans/Happy Jeans?

17 Sep

First things first, I weighed in on Sunday morning and recorded a loss of 5.4 lbs. Most of that loss can be attributed to the fact that today has been the first day I’ve been able to swallow without whimpering. But hey, whatever, I’m running with it. I’m still far from that number that you have to muster up enough courage to publish but I’m going in the right direction. 

I’ve become obsessed with a pair of jeans. My not so fat jeans.

Now, I have tons of jeans. I have two pairs of fat jeans that I fit into now. I totally blew the thighs out of the first pair and therefore they’re out of rotation. The other pair are a mess. First off, they’re too long. Even when I pull the jeans up above my bellybutton, they’re too long. When I’m desperate I pull the jeans out, hike them up above my bellybutton, lay down on the bed, try to make myself as flat as I can and struggle to get them done up. Then for the rest of the day/evening I severely limit my ability to bend, at all. The wash is terrible, (clearly) they’re too tight in the waist, too big in the legs and ass, just a mess. However, I keep them around for necessity.

This morning I was looking through some old pictures in my phone and there I was, standing in my not-so fat jeans, smiling. For a brief period of time two years ago when I was 30-50 pounds lighter, I was rocking the shit out of those jeans. I don’t want to equate being happy with being slimmer but I felt good in those jeans. Damn good. 

You know when everything seems so glum and in turn, of course, OF COURSE, everyone around you is just peachy and for a split second you swear the universe made it that way just to rub your bruised ego nose into it, just to spite you? I’m sure things will turn around and some luck will come my way, it always does but until then, everything in me is desperate to get back in those jeans. I know it’s silly to assume that once I get back into them I’ll be happy, but you know, I can try. 

 

 

Tiny Update

13 Sep

My Monday weigh in went….okay. A loss of .7lbs. The tail end of that week ended up feeling really heavy food wise so the little loss didn’t surprise me. 

Tuesday evening I was finishing up my book when all the sudden I got a sore throat, sore-ish neck, and felt extremely tired.

I woke up Wednesday with an extremely sore head (I was seeing double), neck, throat, and ears. I spent the day trying to sleep without avail and miserable.

Got to the Dr. yesterday, found out my tonsils are “extremely swollen and covered in pus”, I’ve got an ear infection and I could possibly have mono or meningitis, but not both and maybe not either. I’m on penicilin 6 times a day and ear drops twice a day. Awesome. 

Today I tried to sleep but couldn’t. A lot of the dizziness is gone and my neck isn’t as sore. 

Not much to report on food wise. I’ve been drinking lots of tea with honey and juice. I’ve been eating soft foods like mashed potatoes and soup because I wince when I swallow anything solid. 

Tonight I’m going to try and finish my book, Dark Places by Gillian Flynn, and get to bed early. 

Fun times around here. 

 

 

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