I haven’t blogged in a bit, in fact it’s been almost a month.
In a month I’ve made progress but not a lot. I should be happy I’m moving in the right direction but in all honesty, I could have done better and been more focused.
Every year my grandma, mom, aunt and I go to Erie and Grove City, Pennsylvania for shopping. Every year, I swear I’m going to lose some weight before I go. Every year, I don’t. Every year, as I’m sorting through the plus sized clothing racks, the same old familiar misery sets in.
About a week ago I learned some things and realized some things that helped me understand the way I am. I always heard that people eat in excess to fill a void. I never really believed that until last week. I do that. I also never believed that food addiction was legitimate, but I really do think I’m an addict. Based on my past behaviours and experiences, I already know I have a very addictive personality. I binge and stuff myself to feel something different, it’s a horrible feeling, being full to the point of sickness, but I guess I’m addicted to that feeling. I hardly ever leave a plate empty, I must finish it, almost like I have to conquer it.
This weekend in Pennsylvania things came full circle.
Friday evening, after a 4 hour drive from Toronto and covering almost all the big box stores in Erie, we got to the Olive Garden for dinner. Before my entree even came, I was full. I think I had 4 breadsticks and 3 bowls of salad. Then my entree came and I ate all of it. I was so full that I couldn’t even have a bite of the dessert my mom ordered for the table to share. I did the same thing Saturday evening for dinner. I was full half way through the meal, but I kept eating till it was finished. Later in bed I went over the day and became absolutely disgusted with myself. And not necessarily for the reason you think.
Saturday we make the hour drive in my grandma’s Buick from Erie to Grove City to do the Prime Outlet mall. When I say we do the mall, that’s exactly what I mean. We methodically park in the middle and hike up to the very first store, The Gap and go through the outlet mall, store by store (130), column by column.
We start at 10 and end at 6, every year.
An hour into shopping and I was sweating. Five hours later, my feet were really hurting, my knees and my lower back were a bit sore and I could detect a bit of chest pain. Chest pains? I’m 25 freakin’ years old. That’s not even the shocking part, the shocking part was I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way! When the day was almost done, it dawned on me. Ohhhh, it’s because I’m fat. And that didn’t stop me from eating myself to the point of disgust two hours later.
Earlier in the year I blogged about my dad having a heart attack before the age of 50 and getting diagnosed with diabetes (he is fine). His mother has diabetes as well. Six years ago my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 malignant melanoma (she’s absolutely fine and cancer free now). My maternal grandad has had three heart attacks. Diabetes, cancer and heart disease run in my family, on both sides.
Am I out of my fucking mind?
I mentioned I never really believed in food addictions or obesity being a disease, but now I believe maybe it is. And I’m acting like an addict. I know what I’m doing is bad for me, I know I’m being destructive and I’m ignoring all that, focusing on temporary satisfaction.
I’ve never worried before. Not about my weight, not too much about what people thought, but I’m worried now. I’ve got a lot stacked against me, I’m not taking this as seriously as I need to, up until recently the main reason I wanted to lose weight was for vanity (!!!).
I asked my mom if she was worried about me, physically. I knew she was, I just needed her to tell me. Her answer came out shaky at first and tearful after. It was sad and sobering but absolutely necessary.
I called my doctor, I made the first appointment I could for a physical in October. I’m pretty certain I’m fine but checking myself out is the responsible thing to do.
I’ve blogged and blogged and blogged about this but I’ve been in denial and avoidance mode for years. I have 10 pairs of jeans I can’t fit into so I’ve been wearing track pants and tshirts for months. Avoidance. Eating fried shit, binging, and blogging about plans and doing better and starting again. Denial. Waking up every morning passing my treadmill. Avoidance. I’ve bought clothes I knew I couldn’t fit in because you know, I’m going to start losing weight asap. Those clothes have been sitting in my closet for three years. Denial.
In other news, here’s my buys from my Pennsylvania shopping trip…
Apart from all the stuff you can’t get in Canada and all the super cheap stuff, I bought two Calvin Klein dresses that fit now (that’s definitely not denial, btw) and a semi-sheer, silky white Calvin Klein button down for $60. I need to build my professional wardrobe and I’m really happy I found quality pieces that were so cheap! Also, $30 for super comfortable high heeled leather boots from Nine West? Total score! Everything fits and I managed to spend a mere $175 on everything!
Back to the weight loss, I started today. This morning I had a yogurt and coffee with milk for breakfast, a piece of homemade broccoli and cheddar quiche and for dinner I’m going to have some chicken cacciatore that I made with some skinned and boned chicken thighs, hand crushed fresh tomatoes and lots of onion and garlic over some brown rice.
While I feel like a cliche, fall down 7(00) times, stand up 8(00), armed with a little more insight and some sobering events fresh in my mind, I’m off to make another plan.